How to prepare best for the arrival of a puppy

• Pour cold apple juice at different spots on the carpet and then run around barefoot in the dark.

• Wear a sock, which was run through a meat grinder.

• Right after waking up, you go out in the rain and darkness, and  repeat: Good dog, go pee, hurry, you pee.

• Cover your best clothes with dog hair. Use light hair on dark clothes and use black hair on bright clothes . Furthermore, let some dog hair swim in your first cup of coffee in the morning

• Play "catch" with a wet slimy tennis ball.

• Run barefoot through the snow to close the garden gate.

• Empty a laundry basket of clean clothes all over the floor.

• Leave your underwear in the living room, because this is where the dog brings them anyway. (Especially if you have guests).

• Jump up out of your chair, just before your favorite show is to finish on television and run to the door, screaming: "No! No! Do this outside, "so you miss the conclusion of the show.

• Pour chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning and wait till after work to clean it up.

• Take a screwdriver and carve holes in one leg of your dining table.

• Take a warm, soft blanket from the dryer and  roll into it. That is the feeling that you get when a puppy falls asleep on your lap.

How to take pictures of the puppy?

1. Take a new film from the box and load it in your camera.

2. Take the film box from the puppy's mouth and throw it into the trash.

3. Take the puppy out of the trash and brush off the coffee grounds from his snout.
4. Choose a suitable background for the photo.
5. Mount the camera and make it receptive.
6. Find your puppy and take the dirty socks from his mouth.
7. Place the puppy on the prepared place and go to the camera.
8. Forget the place and crawl on all fours behind your puppy. I don't know what this means
9. Set up the camera with one hand again and lure your puppy with a treat.
10. Get a tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take the flash from the puppy's mouth and throw it away (the flash).
12. Lock out the cat and treat the scratch on the puppy’s nose with a little gel.
13. Place the ashtray and the magazines back on the coffee table.
14. Try to coax your puppy for an interested expression, by holding a squeaking doll over your head.
15. Put your eyeglasses back on your nose again and get your camera from under the sofa.
16. Jump up  in time,to take the puppy by the neck and say, "No - that you do out side!"
17. Call your spouse to help you clean up.
18. Mix yourself a double martini!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19. Sit down in a comfortable armchair and promise yourself to start the exercise "sit" with the puppy first thing tomorrow morning.

How to give a puppy a pill!

• Take the dog in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Place the right thumb and middle finger on both sides of the little mouth and apply gentle pressure until the mouth opens  up. Slide in a pill and let the dog close his little mouth. (deleted 1 mouth, you had 2 of them written)

• Collect on the pill from the floor and get up and fetch the dog from behind the bed. Take him back on your arm and repeat the process.

• Get the dog out of the bedroom, and throw away totally slavered pill

• Fish the pill from goldfish bowl and get the puppy out from behind the bed. Call your spouse from the garden.

• Kneel on the floor and clamp the dog between your knees. Hold the front paws down. Ignore the growl. Ask your spouse to hold his head. and  push a wooden ruler in the throat of the puppy. Let the pill roll down on the ruler and rub the dog's neck.

• Get dog out from behind the curtain. Take a new pill from the pack. Make note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtain.

• Wrap the puppy in a large bath towel. Drape the pill in the end of a drinking straw. Ask your Spouse to take the dog in a headlock, so that only the head looks through the elbow crook . Pry the little mouth with the help of a pen and blow the pill down his throat.

• Check the package insert to make sure that the pill is harmless to humans. Drink a glass of water to get rid of the taste. Bandage your spouse’s arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

• Get the puppy from the neighbor's shed. Take a new pill. Put the dog in a closet and close the door just enough so that only the head looks out. Lever the little mouth with a dessert knife. Pop the pill with a rubber band into the throat.
  Get a screwdriver out of the workshop and hang the door back onto the hook. Place cold compresses on your face and check the date of last tetanus vaccination. Discard your bloodstained T-shirt and get a new one.

• Let the fire department rescue your puppy out of your neighbor's swimming pool . Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence to avoid hitting the puppy. Take last pill from the pack.

• Tie the front and back legs of your dog with a clothesline. Tie them to the legs of the dining table. Put on the gardening gloves and open the little mouth with a crowbar. Cram the pill into the mouth, followed by a large piece of meat. Hold the dog's head vertically and pour in water afterwards to wash down the pill.

• Let your Spouse drive you to the hospital. Sit quietly while the doctor is sewing up your finger and removes the pill from your right eye. On the way home, stop at a furniture store and order a new table.

• Try the whole thing again with drops instead of pills or just buy a cat. With her it is not easier though but she will not growl!

Graffiti

If a dog is only allowed if he shall, but never can, when he wants, then he may not even want if he must. But if he can when he wants, then he may also want, when he shall, then he may also can, when he must ... After all: Dogs that are able can when they shall, must be allowed to want to . . .

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